You’re not listening, you’re solving.
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Your friend calls you. They’re stressed — work, money, relationship, whatever. They start talking. Thirty seconds in, you already see the problem.
It’s obvious to you. The answer is right there.
So you give it to them. Clearly. Directly. You lay out what they should do, maybe what they should’ve done differently. You’re helpful. You’re efficient. This is what they called for.
They say “yeah, you’re right” and the conversation ends ten minutes later.
A week goes by. They don’t call.
Two weeks. Nothing.
When you finally check in, everything’s still the same. They didn’t take your advice. The problem you solved is sitting right where you left it.
You’re confused. You gave them the answer. Why didn’t they use it?
Because they didn’t call you for an answer. They called you to be heard. And you skipped that part entirely.
You do this to everyone. Your partner mentions they’re exhausted and before they finish the sentence you’re suggesting a new sleep schedule. Your friend says they’re unhappy at work and you’re already building an exit strategy in your head. Someone shares something hard and your brain locks onto the problem like a missile.
You think this makes you a good listener. It makes you the opposite.
And the reason you keep doing it has nothing to do with caring too little. It has everything to do with how your brain is built.
The Fix-It Reflex
High-performers have a specific blind spot that almost nobody talks about.
The better you are at solving problems, the worse you are at hearing people.
Your brain is wired to close open loops. You hear something that sounds like a problem and every instinct fires toward resolution. Finding the answer is what you do. It’s how you built everything you’ve built. It’s the skill that makes you valuable in every other area of your life.
In conversation, that same skill becomes a wall.
The moment you start solving, you stop listening.
