The Advice You Can’t Take
You can solve everyone’s problems except your own. Not because you’re a hypocrite. Because you can’t see your own life from the outside.
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Your friend calls. They’re stuck in a job they hate. Underpaid. Undervalued. Boss doesn’t respect them.
“What should I do?” they ask.
The answer is obvious. Leave. Update your resume. Start applying. You’re worth more than this.
You say it with complete certainty. Because it’s clear. They should leave. Anyone can see that.
They thank you. Your advice was exactly what they needed to hear.
You hang up.
And then you remember: You’ve been in the same job for three years. Also underpaid. Also undervalued. Same situation.
Except when it’s your job, it’s not that simple.
You have reasons. Bills. Stability. The job market is tough right now. Maybe it’ll get better. You don’t want to start over. What if the next place is worse?
The clarity you had two minutes ago vanishes completely when the situation is yours.
This is the thing nobody tells you about advice: You can see everyone else’s life with perfect clarity. But your own? You’re too close. You’re inside it. And being inside it makes you blind.
It’s not hypocrisy. It’s perspective.
When your friend tells you about their job, you see it from outside. You see the whole picture. The pattern. The trajectory. Where it’s heading if nothing changes.
You see it in third person. Like watching a movie. The character is clearly in a bad situation. The solution is obvious.
But when it’s your job? You’re not watching anymore. You’re living it. First person. Every day is a new decision. Every day has different variables. Every day feels different than the whole pattern.
You can’t see the pattern when you’re inside it. You can only see today.
Your friend describes their relationship. It’s clearly not working. They keep having the same fight. Same issues. Nothing changes.
You can see it so clearly. This isn’t going anywhere. This pattern won’t break itself. If they want something different, they need to leave or change something fundamental.
You tell them this. Gently. But clearly.
They agree. You’re right. They know you’re right.
Then you go home to your own relationship. Same fights. Same patterns. Nothing changing.
Except when it’s yours, it’s different. It’s not a pattern. It’s a series of individual moments. This fight was about dishes. That fight was about plans. They’re not the same.
You can’t see that they’re the same fight with different costumes. Because you’re in it. You’re experiencing each moment as separate. As unique.
You can’t zoom out. You can only see today’s version. Not the pattern.
This is why therapists go to therapy. Why financial advisors hire financial advisors. Why business consultants need consultants for their own business.
Not because they don’t know what to do. Because knowing what to do requires seeing from outside. And you can’t see your own life from outside.
You’re always in first person.
A relationship counselor spent twenty years helping couples fix their marriages. Saved hundreds of relationships. Gave advice that actually worked.
She got divorced twice.
Not because her advice was wrong. Because she couldn’t apply it to herself. When she was working with a couple, she could see the patterns. See what needed to change. See the dynamics clearly.
But in her own marriage? She was inside it. Living it. Reacting. Defending. Explaining. Every moment felt unique. Every fight felt like it was about that specific thing, not the pattern underneath.
She couldn’t zoom out on her own life the way she could zoom out on others.
This is the trap of first-person living. Everything feels more complicated when it’s yours. More nuanced. More justified. More stuck.
Because you’re not seeing the situation. You’re seeing today’s decision. Today’s feeling. Today’s version of the problem.
The pattern is invisible when you’re inside it.
Your friend is dating someone who treats them badly. Dismissive. Inconsistent. Makes them feel small.
You can see it instantly. This person isn’t going to change. This is who they are. Your friend deserves better.
You say this. Your friend knows you’re right.
But you’re dating someone who treats you the exact same way.
And when it’s yours? They’re not dismissive. They’re just stressed. They’re not inconsistent. They’re just busy. They don’t make you feel small. You’re just too sensitive sometimes.
You can see your friend’s relationship clearly because you’re outside it. You can see the pattern. The trajectory. Where it’s going.
But your own relationship? You’re inside it. Every moment feels like an exception. Every bad day has context. Every problem has an explanation that makes sense from inside.
You can’t see what anyone outside could see in five minutes.
This is why you can solve everyone’s problems but your own. Not because you lack wisdom. Because wisdom requires distance. And you have no distance from your own life.
You’re always in first person. Always in the moment. Always experiencing it as it happens.
You can never zoom out the way you zoom out on others.
This is the cost of living your own life. You get detail but lose perspective. You get nuance but lose clarity. You get reasons but lose the obvious answer.
And the obvious answer is only obvious from outside.
Here’s what actually helps: Stop trying to see your own situation from inside. You can’t. Your brain won’t let you.
Instead, describe your situation to yourself the way your friend described theirs to you.
Not how it feels. How it looks.
Remove yourself from the narrative. Talk about it like it’s happening to someone else. A character in a story. What does that character keep doing? What pattern are they stuck in? What’s obvious about their situation?
When you remove “I” from the story, you can suddenly see it.
You’ve been in the same job for three years. Underpaid. Undervalued. Keeps saying it’ll get better. Hasn’t.
What would you tell someone in that situation?
You’d tell them to leave.
You’ve been in the same relationship for two years. Same fights. Same patterns. Nothing changing. Keeps hoping it will.
What would you tell someone in that situation?
You’d tell them it won’t change on its own.
You can give yourself the same advice you give everyone else. But only if you step outside your own perspective first. Only if you zoom out.
The advice isn’t wrong just because it’s yours. The advice is invisible because you’re too close to see it.
You’re playing your own life in first-person mode. Everyone else’s life you see in third person.
Third person shows you patterns. First person only shows you moments.
You need both. But you can’t live in first person and expect to see what’s obvious from outside.
The next time you give someone advice that seems crystal clear, write it down. Then ask yourself: Am I in the same situation?
If you are, the advice you just gave? That’s for you too. You just can’t see it because you’re inside it.
Step outside. Look at your life like you’re watching someone else live it. What would you tell them to do?
That’s what you should do.
The advice isn’t different just because it’s yours. You just can’t see it from where you’re standing.
Zoom out.
Thank you for reading.
– Scott
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